Non Scale Victories

I have a confession to make. This past Monday, I weighed in at Weight Watchers. I lost weight - about 2 pounds. But when I saw my total weight number, what I weigh, I got really depressed. It was strange because I felt like all of the effort I put into being healthy and eating right and exercising should have resulted in a greater loss. My logic is - when I over eat and binge - the weight gain is always much bigger than 2 pounds. So, on Monday afternoon, I did what I have been doing my whole life when I get depressed - I ate. Luckily, since I am getting stronger, not only in my body but also in my mind, I was able to stop eating before it became a total free-fall.

I went back to my healthy eating habits on Tuesday and re-read the chapter on Week 1 from my "new" book Eating Awareness Training.

Thursday and Friday something really lovely happened. Thursday I took a spin class followed by yoga and Friday I took a yoga class. During and after these classes, particularly during Thursday's spin and after Friday's yoga, I felt stronger and taller than I have felt in a long time. My posture has improved and I feel like my abdominal muscles are actually tighter. I walk with my head held higher and my outlook on life - every day activities, even TRAFFIC - has changed. Something happened this week. Maybe it was the 100 forward bends I have done over the last two months. Maybe it is the miles and miles I have spun on my bike. Maybe it was listening to Simon and Garfunkel. I just feel so much more at peace and accepting of where I am right now in this journey.

I won't kid myself - that number still bothers me! But driving through McDonald's isn't going to improve the situation. I need to accept the number, embrace it and continue sticking my "rump" up to the stars in Downward Dog. I need to get on that bike and "ride like the wind" into the sunset. I need to fuel my body and mind with energy producing healthy foods, not junk!

So if you notice that perhaps I am a little taller today and perhaps glowing a little more than usual - well I am!


And that is what we call a non scale victory!

I think I have ADD!

I am not poking fun at anyone who actually has Attention Deficit Disorder but, I rarely do one thing at a time. To make myself feel better I call it "Multi-tasking". What it really is, is "cramming too much in too little time".

I guess this goes back to my blog about slowing down. It is also about living in the present and focusing on what I am doing instead of doing what I am doing and focusing on what I have to do next. Do you know where I am going with this??? Since reading this new book, I realize that I never just eat. I am always doing something else besides eating. Some examples are, watching the news, making lunches for my kids, driving to tennis, answering email, surfing the web, writing a blog or even just staring out the window. This past week I've been thinking a lot about how I approach my life. So often, I am not in the moment at all! And the funny thing is - I'm trying to be.

So my goal this week is to truly live in the moment. Do one thing at a time instead of 2 or 3 (how many times have you been on the phone, with the TV on, answering your e-mail??).

Here is a quote I heard today . . . and it is a good one!

"There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work and learning from failure." Colin Powell

and if that one isn't good enough here is another one

"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work."

Colin Powell

Honey, we have to talk.

Have you ever heard those words? Perhaps you have said them. These words are usually exchanged between two people who are in a serious relationship. Anytime I have heard or said those words, it has meant that the relationship isn't going very well. It means that I must make a change and it is going to be a difficult one (of course, if I am hearing those words then my partner is the one invoking the change).

I have spent a lot of time this week thinking about just that - Changing the relationship I have with food. I mean really really looking at how we (food and I) interact, the role that food has in my life. I have thought about the amount of attention I give to food and how often I ignore food. I've thought about how I use food to provide me with what I want but not necessarily what I need. OK, it sounds strange and you are probably thinking - "she has finally gone off the deep end" - but, it is true.

I've been to a clairvoyant woman a couple of times. Once she read my aura at a "Get Your Aura Read" party one of my girlfriends had. Once she read my Tarot Cards at Lord & Taylor. She is very interesting and the things she has said to me on both of these occasions really were significant. One thing in particular that she often says is something like this. "What ever you need, the universe will provide to you as long as you open yourself up and visualize exactly where you want to be in your life." Interesting . . . I happen to believe in this type of "stuff" and I have often thought of what she said.

So here I am, obsessing about food - my relationship with food - how if fits into my life - what I allow it to do to me - etc. etc. Then comes along my new favorite Yoga teacher and I begin to tell her about this blog and my "food issue". As if a black hole in the universe suddenly opened, she looked at me and said "I have just the book for you". And she did. (Do you believe yet?).

The book is out of print so if you want it, you have to order it online. It is called Eating Awareness Training by Molly Groger. When I read the introduction, I felt as if this woman wrote exactly what I have been thinking. The book really spoke to me because it is all about eating with your body and not with your mind. It is something I have been heading towards - listening to when I am hungry and eating (even if I eat beyond my daily points). Conversely, I also don't have to eat all of my daily points if I am not hungry. The writer also suggests that when I eat, I eat and not do anything else. I am amazed at how many times I eat without even thinking about what I am eating or enjoying the experience of what I am eating. In other words, when I eat, I should not be reading, watching TV, thinking about the laundry, thinking about my kids or my tennis game. I should be thinking about eating. This is some serious living in the present. Don't misunderstand me, I am doing Weight Watchers so I am always tracking what I am eating - but very often, when I eat, I am usually doing something else and shoving the food into my mouth, not really thinking about how it tastes or the texture or how I feel (hungry, satisfied, full). Instead, I should eat my meals as if I were a judge on "Iron Chef America". Believe me, it is a lot tougher than it sounds!

I'll keep you posted on how it goes . . . . .

Why are the brakes in the car so worn???

My husband has frequently asked me "why are the brakes so worn in your car?". I laugh and usually respond "Gee Honey, I don't know."

Have you ever noticed that 5 minutes makes a big difference in your life?? It does in my life. One of the things I LOVE about writing this blog (besides sharing my thoughts with all of my readers) is being able to go back and read what I wrote. I always wanted to keep a diary but I never was consistent about it and when I did re-read what I wrote, I found that a lot of the time it was just a stream of consciousness. Since I spend a lot of time writing and re-writing this blog, my writing is much more concise - at least I try to make it that way. Lately, I have been feeling that tight "pit in my stomach" "head achy" feeling that I had before my summer vacation. I started to feel like I was "fighting" again. I was getting really wound up and I didn't like how that felt. I went back and re-read "Unplugged" and I realized that I was very close to being in that up-tight place that I was before. YUCK!! So I took a deep breath and focused on "getting out of there".

Whenever I come back from vacation, I spend a lot of time thinking of how I can simulate that "vacation like" feeling into my everyday life. Even though I am home and I do have my work to do, why can't I do it in a more relaxed way? What makes the difference?? Time is the difference. When I am on vacation, I have time to relax, time to sleep, time to do what I want or feel like doing. That is the main difference. The most relaxing vacation is going to a place where there is not much to do; like an island in the Caribbean. All you can do is go the the beach, frolic in the water and relax. More active vacations like skiing or sightseeing are great also but certainly more work. So how do I "vacation" in my normal life?

The answer is in one little word . . . prioritize. I must do what is important to me and my family and forget the rest! Not necessarily in order of importance I must: exercise, go to Weight Watchers, keep my home in order, prepare healthy delicious meals for my family, parent my children, be a supportive spouse to my husband and take care of myself. I remember this Mom who had a daughter in the same pre-school as my daughter. When I asked her to volunteer for an extra event, she looked at me and said "Christina, Less is More". I really didn't understand at the time (she had 5 children and her daughter was the youngest) but now I sure do!

In the words of Simon and Garfunkel . . . "Slow down, you move too fast, you have to make the morning last just, kicking down the cobble stones, looking for fun and Feelin' Groovy . . . "

Don't you feel better just hearing that song?? (LOVE GARFUNKEL"S HAIR)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e36gLfrmRCw

(If the link doesn't work just go directly to youtube to hear the

song - sorry - Tech difficulties)

No Antipasto for you!

I often tell my children that one of the most important things to have in life are options. No, not the financial instruments sold on the market, but everyday options. These can be as simple as many friends to choose from or sports to play or books to read. These options become particularly important as my children grow. The more major ones are such things as a choice of a college or eventually the luxury (these days) of having a choice of job or vocation.

I have been very fortunate in my life. Some might even describe my life as privileged. Don't misunderstand, I've had my share of tough times but I have also been blessed with a supportive husband, fabulous children, great brothers, even better sister-in-laws, good friends and many options to choose from. I was raised by a remarkable woman. She was the most intelligent person I have ever met. She instilled in me a belief that I could do anything. I am not kidding! I never believed in my entire life that any endeavor or goal was too great for me to achieve. The older I get, the more I realize that this belief is incredibly powerful and dangerous.

What my Mom did not teach me was that the ability to accomplish whatever I desired came with a price and that sometimes, that price was just too high. Options are very important but so is the ability to evaluate those options and make the best choice for ourselves. This choice may not be "the best" for everyone or in every one's eyes. However, it is the choice that will make us happy and allow us to succeed based upon our own standards. Furthermore, as important as it is to receive our peer's validation, we must also be able to provide ourselves with validation and acceptance that the choices we make are best for us.

I have spent a lot of my life "doing it all". At one time, it was important to me and the sheer accomplishment of whatever I was doing was enough. Over time, I have lost myself in this quest. I don't want to do it all. If I must, of course I can. I know that, my mother told me so. But the price is very very high.

So here I am, at the very beginning of the Holiday Season, 20 days from Thanksgiving and all of the hysteria that goes with those two months leading to New Year's Day. But this year will be different. I have many options, thanks to my husband and my children and my Mom. This year I will choose very carefully and wisely. My time is a precious commodity - one that becomes even more precious with its passing.

I will choose to exercise every day. I will choose not to bake 10 batches of cookies. I will choose to eat healthy every day. I will choose to give all of our teachers, instructors and coaches store bought gifts, not "homemade" ones. I will choose to take care of myself, my husband and my children. And on Christmas Eve, I will choose to be by my husband's side, reading "The Night Before Christmas" to my children and I will choose not to be running around the house finishing all of those ridiculous projects that I didn't need to start. I will choose to weigh less on January 2 than I weigh today and I will choose to be happy and well rested.

So, no excuses, no apologies and NO ANTIPASTO ON THANKSGIVING FOR YOU!

Happy Holidays!

Dear Santa . . . .

And so begins the annual spiraling holiday journey. It all starts innocently enough. A couple of cute little children dressed in their Halloween costumes ringing the doorbell for their customary treat. Then we slide into Thanksgiving filled to the brim with buttery potatoes, delicious stuffing, overflowing pies and gravy . . . lots and lots of gravy. Do you know what gravy is? I make gravy from scratch and I've been told that I make really good gravy and I must agree after trying some other people's gravy, mine is AWESOME. To make gravy, I start with all of the fat drippings which dripped or melted off the turkey that I just cooked. I cook that fat over a medium flame and I add flour to the fat and let it cook, constantly whisking it with a whisk. Then, after about 3 to 5 minutes, I add chicken stock, whisking quickly. The stock mixed with the fried fat and flour creates this delectable sauce which is velvety and rich with flavor. Sorry - I went off on a tangent.

Thanksgiving is quickly followed by Christmas. That is the "big Kahuna" of Holidays. Christmas is not a one day deal like Thanksgiving. Christmas lasts FOREVER! First there is all of the shopping . . . at the mall . . . with that terrible food court and those pesky Auntie Anne pretzels. I mean REALLY - you might as well just go to the supermarket and eat a stick of butter with a slice of bread and chase it with some lemon water. You would save about $5 too! And I never have any time during the "Holiday Season" because I am running around, shopping and baking (yes - I bake cookies which I then wrap up in pretty cellophane and ribbons and hand out to teachers, instructors, coaches, etc.). Time becomes a rare commodity. Of course when this happens, I usually give up my healthy options such as exercising, sleeping and eating healthy. All of this adds up to a very grumpy me and the eventual holiday weight gain.

So here I am, January 2nd, fat and depressed and looking at my "New Year's Resolution" list (I don't kid myself with January 1st because that is the tail of the Christmas Holiday). Let me tell you, if Halloween was any indication of how the rest of the Holiday season is going to go . . . OUCH! I don't remember eating so much candy in years. It was ugly.

So, how do I deal with this? How do I put myself first and the rest of the world last? How do I make sure that I get on that scale on January 2nd lighter than I am right now??? And how do I do all of this without fighting or stressing. How do I do this with love and acceptance not only of who I am but acceptance and love of everyone around me. (BIG SIGH)

Maybe I should write a letter to Santa . . . .

Cold Rainy Weekend Spells . . . .

Carb Coma

Sorry to quote from my favorite movie AGAIN but if the shoe fits . . . .

In "The Devil Wears Prada", Emily is laying in a hospital bed after being accidentally hit by a taxi. Her co-worker, Andy, has just told her that she has been passed up for the much coveted trip to Paris for Fashion Week with Miranda. Lying there bruised and battered Emily laments to Andy, crying how unfair it is that Andy is going to Paris instead of her " . . . the cloths that you are going to get I mean you don't deserve them you eat carbs for Christ's sake. . . "

I had a great physician in Manhattan; Dr. Pat. She was my OB/GYN for many years and we went through some tough times together. She was always on my case about my weight. This woman was totally "IN" the New York Scene. She was a real "Park Avenue" Physician. Her children went to Dalton. She appeared very often in the society pages for gala fundraising events. She was always dressed impeccably; even after an all nighter with a patient in labor. She had celebrity patients. She was very THIN. Once her assistant told me that Dr. Pat was 5 pounds overweight so she went on Optifast (that was the liquid diet of the 80s).

I remember one of my favorite lines that she said to me during my annual visit. I was sitting in the examining room in one of those adorable robes (and I swear that she ordered size small because the damn things NEVER fit me). She walks in, takes one look at me and says "I see we have been doing a lot of chewing." Really, she made Miranda Priestly look like Mother Theresa!

I really miss Dr. Pat. She really was an excellent physician and she was very bright! She once told me that if I wanted to lose weight and keep it off, I had to give up carbs. OUCH! At the time I couldn't even begin to comprehend what she was saying. Give up carbs??? And she wasn't stopping at the obvious ones like pasta, rice or bread. She even told me that I shouldn't eat bananas because the carbohydrate content was too high. Obviously she hadn't eaten bread in years (and it worked on her, I might add). Her theory was that carbohydrates are addictive. The more you eat, the more you want. Sort of like the potato chip theory - you know - you can't eat just one. Over the years I have tried to give up carbs and the truth is, if I only eat protein, vegetables and fruit (no bananas), the weight just melts off.

Today, about 13 years later, I think that Dr. Pat's theory has some validity. This past weekend, my hubby and I took the kids to a college football game on Friday night at my husband's Alma mater, Rutgers University. I was ready to get through this event without over-eating. I even packed salads that my husband and I would eat, thereby avoiding all of the "sporting event" foods that can easily derail the best weight loss efforts. It started innocently enough. A quarter of a pretzel here, a couple of tortilla chips there. Then, after the game my husband stopped by a "greasy food truck" to share some college memories with my kids and me. He bought us two "hogies" - one with beef, american cheese, chicken fingers and french fries and the other with gyro meat, mozzarella sticks and french fries. As I took a bite of the monster sandwich all I could think of was the carb overload I was experiencing and who in their right mind would eat something like this (I was only sampling it).

It was all downhill after that. One carb lead to another and before I knew it, by Sunday afternoon, I could hardly get off of the couch to take or pick-up my son from tennis practice. It was UGLY! If you have never been in a carb coma, it feels the way you feel after Thanksgiving dinner except the food isn't as good. The worst part of it all was (actually there are two worst parts) that I wasted a perfectly great day! I could have done many things more productive than eating and vegging. The other part was the morning after. I had to weigh in on Monday morning and that was really PAINFUL! After working so hard all week not only didn't I lose any weight

. . . I gained.

Bummer!

Oh No! TRAFFIC

Have you ever found yourself driving back home on a Sunday afternoon after visiting some relatives in New Jersey or Westchester or Long Island (if you don't live on LI)? Maybe you were driving back from a long weekend upstate or on the Jersey Shore? Much to your disbelief there is no traffic. It is amazing. Then it happens. Before you can stop him or her, your spouse says "Wow, look honey, no traffic". You know what happens next! BOOM Thousands of Bright Red Taillights - TRAFFIC.

Yup! We have all been there. We thought we were going to get home at a reasonable hour. We thought it was going so well. Then, as if Someone heard us - BAM!

That is what happened to me today. I woke up in the middle of the night - HUNGRY! My stomach was growling and I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally, I got up and had a yogurt. My stomach settled down and I did some laundry. Then, within an hour, I was hungry AGAIN! What was happening??? I made myself some breakfast, an egg white omelet with veggies and an english muffin (high grain) with low fat cheese. Of course, immediately after I ate I was satisfied. But then it happened again - about an hour later I was hungry - again.

WHOA . . . . What was happening??? This is how I spent my day. I would eat something that normally would have satisfied me and then after about an hour I was hungry again. Finally we ordered from one of my favorite places for dinner - La Bottega. I ordered my favorite salad with grilled chicken and this time I ate the bread! I finished off the day with my favorite dessert - apple struesal - and a piece of my Chili Chocolate. Finally I was satisfied (ok - I will admit it - I was full) I ate more than my allotted points today but not by that much. All I can think is that my body just needed the fuel. I worked out a lot this week. I went to the gym or played tennis 6 out of 7 days and I was very careful about everything I ate. I wasn't bored (we were out all day), I wasn't sad or angry or tired. I was just hungry.

I just hope I can keep the little "bugger" in check tomorrow! Now I am off to sleep - I can't eat when I am sleeping . . . . . WISH ME LUCK!

Who Turned on the Lights?

Something really amazing happened to me this week. I went out to lunch with a few friends on Friday to celebrate a birthday. We went to an Italian pizza place. Anytime I go to this type of restaurant, I always order a large salad with grilled chicken. This choice is one of my safe options. I order it very often and I really really enjoy it.

The girls ordered a pizza pie and a large salad to share. In WW speak, I asserted myself and explained to them that I was having a great week and I really wanted to "stay on program". Of course they were completely supportive. My very large salad came and since I was very hungry, have just completed an intense Yoga class, I dug in. Meanwhile, the ladies started on their salad when the pie was served.

Of course as most "ladies who lunch" know, we were chatting up a storm, eating and enjoying each other's company. During a lull in the conversation, one of my girlfriends said to me that she really admired my determination since I didn't even have one slice of pizza. That is when it hit me. I was sitting there at the table with the pizza pie right in front of me not even a foot from my nose. I didn't even notice the pizza because I was enjoying my salad so much and enjoying the company of my friends. Believe me, I love pizza. I could eat it everyday. However, for some reason, that day, I just didn't want it. The best part is, if I wanted to eat pizza, I would have. A slice of thin crust pizza is about 4 points. That with a side salad would have been fine for lunch. I think I was feeling so good about everything I accomplished this past week that I just didn't need the pizza.

I keep on trying to figure out how I got here. I wish I knew where the switch was. I don't feel deprived at all. I've been eating my chocolate (Lindt Chili) and I've been making some delicious desserts with apples (we went apple picking today). When I do eat out, I find great options. I don't even see the other stuff, I just choose from what I know is good for me and what will help me succeed. Someone flipped the switch!

I'm in the zone . . . . .

There is more to life than just "Eye-Candy"

I was at the gym several times this week. On Wednesday I took a spin class with an instructor who I shall name Ms. S. There is no eye candy here. Ms. S is a good instructor but to tell you the truth, she hasn't always gotten me very excited. What I have always found so odd is that she has a big following. People really swore by her. They talk of her inspiring words or her excitement for spinning. I always thought she talked too much in class and she was too intrusive. She would not allow me to get into my own head and "enjoy the ride".

This time it was different. Ms. S always starts her classes with a quote. Wednesday's quote was from Ralph Waldo Emerson:

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen"

Those are some powerful words. As I began my ride, I thought about those words and where I was in my own personal journey.

Thursday I took a Yoga class with Ms. P. I really enjoy her classes - so does everyone else! Her class was packed! I was stiff and sore from working out regularly this week. I was nervous that I couldn't keep up.

Yoga is about the body, mind and spirit. A lot of Yoga is about acceptance. Accepting others and accepting yourself. Friday I took another Yoga class with Ms. K. This was a more intimate class and very powerful. I've never taken a class with Ms. K before and I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to keep up. Of course, Yoga is about acceptance and peace.

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen".

I did just fine in all of my classes this week. I kept up very well and if it didn't feel right, I backed off and modified the pose. I accepted who I am and where I am in my journey. This doesn't mean that I don't want to change. On the contrary - I am changing and evolving, right now and every day. However, this time I am doing it with acceptance.

Breath in . . . radiance . . . . . . . . . . breath out . . . confidence . . . Namaste

Eye-candy has no calories!

I have a confession to make. I actually enjoy going to the gym. There - I wrote it! I know all of these people who really groan about going to the gym. I get a real high when I go to the gym. Of course, you have to belong to one that you like - a lot.


A couple of years ago my husband and I took the children down to Cancun Mexico for a spring vacation. We stayed at this small but luxurious resort hotel. The hotel had a gym and spa. It was wonderful. After I exercised, I went down to the spa for a dip in the jacuzzi and then a refreshing shower. When we returned from our vacation and I returned to my gym, I realized how nice it was to have those amenities. My gym barely had showers. This made me realize that perhaps it was time for a change.


Off I went to check out all of the gyms in my area. I found one fairly close to home. The minute I walked into the gym I got that excited feeling. I felt like I was on vacation. The facility was very big and very new. All of the cardio machines had TVs - something my old gym did not have. There were three studios for exercise classes and usually there were 2 classes offered simultaneously. There was a pool, jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. Towels were always available and the gym also had a spa where I could get a massage. It even had a Hair Salon.


And . . . there was plenty of eye-candy!


Here is the definition of eye-candy: visual images that are superficially attractive and entertaining but intellectually undemanding.


My gym has a lot of young members who obviously get "dressed" to go to the gym. I throw on a pair of spandex pants and an old baggy T-shirt. But there are people who actually color coordinate their outfits - amazing. I appreciate this. When I'm on one of those machines, I start to get bored after about 15 minutes. I need a little inspiration to keep going.


When it comes to eye-candy, I am an equal opportunity observer. Yesterday I took a spin class with a male instructor. He is very funny, plays great music and is very easy on the eyes (i.e. good looking). He reminds me a lot of Keith Urban - my favorite country music singer, songwriter and musician.


Today I took a class called muscle max (free weights, crunches, lunges). It is taught by this woman who is in the most amazing shape (I'll call her J). Just watching her is inspiring. Don't get me wrong - I haven't "gone to the other side" - I just appreciate someone who is in great shape! And she is funny. She comes from the Dominican Republic. She is like the female version of the actor Hank Azaria. He played the butler in Bird Cage with Robin Williams and Nathan Lane. He was also in America's Sweethearts. Well, J is a dancer. One of her best classes is Zumba. I've taken her dance class and let me tell you, I was sweating and laughing my booty off and having a great time. I was definitely exercising at an anaerobic rate (I was wearing a heart rate monitor) and I needed to keep myself in check.


So now when I see either my Keith Urban look-alike or J's name on the list of instructors I actually get excited. That and a deep tissue massage keeps me coming back for more!

May I have the 1/2 gallon of ice cream . . . . Please!

First of all, ice cream doesn't come in a half gallon size anymore. This was part of a marketing ploy designed to keep prices the same while shrinking the container size. I've seen this in ice cream, coffee (12 oz instead of 16 oz), even girl scout cookies. This way the consumer pays the same amount but gets less product. So the title should read, "May I have the 1 and 1/2 quart container of ice cream please (doesn't sound as good).

Let us look on the bright side! If you are a binge eater like me, and you are having a bad day like I did yesterday, these lovely marketing people just saved me about 400 calories and 14 grams of fat. How is that for looking at the glass half full?

This week's topic at my WW meeting was emotional eating. Emotional eating covers a total array of feelings such as sorrow, anxiety, happiness, anger, fatigue, and boredom, just to name a few. One of my triggers is boredom and fatigue. I can usually eat my way through any feeling except extreme sorrow or anger, which thankfully doesn't happen often. But yesterday, I found out that through an error made by a technician at Geek Squad, I lost all of my personal files from my 160G hard disk. I've had this computer for six years. Think about all of the "stuff" you have amassed on your computer over the last 6 years. The most absurd part is that this technician bypassed my back-up system - he effectively wiped out my back-up.

I was sick to my stomach. What really upset me was the loss of all of my photos. Six years of photos of my children. That would be ages 2 (my daughter) through 13 (my son) - GONE. Think about it: loss of a first tooth, Communion, Christmas, Birthdays, Vacations and the best photos of all, my husband and I just goofing around with the children. At first I could not eat. After about 2 hours I was hungry and began to eat the grilled chicken Greek salad I bought as part of our Friday night's "take-in"

Then I kept going. The salad was HUGE and I could have easily stopped half way but I didn't. I ate the whole thing. After the salad I kept looking for more. I was looking to anesthetize the anger and loss I was feeling. Thankfully I had some low fat apple streusel left over which I devoured with low fat ice cream. I ate a couple of pieces of chocolate and then I went back for the rest of the ice cream . . . . . . . STOP!!!

Here I am standing in my kitchen with 1200 calories and 42 grams of fat (and a spoon) in my hands. Please remember - for me this is the equivalent of the alcoholic holding a bottle of vodka in her hand. Something clicked in my head. Maybe it was the WW meeting I had been to the day before. Maybe it was all of those photos - photos of me and my husband and our children. Eating the ice cream was not going to bring back my hard drive or any of those photos. Eating the ice cream was just going to make me fat and miserable and unattractive in all of the future photos I was going to take to make up for the incompetent person who did this.

I put the ice cream back in the freezer and I closed the door. I closed the door on that big nasty demon. I made myself a cup of tea and went to bed. I didn't sleep very well. I spent most of the night trying to figure out how I was going to get back my files and how I was going to retaliate. I kept on thinking . . . yes this sucks, it really really stinks but worse things could happen.

Many years ago the great singer, songwriter and guitarist Eric Clapton lost his son. It was a tragic pointless accident. Clapton is a reformed alcoholic and drug addict. I watched an interview with him a few years after the tragedy and the interviewer asked him if he (Clapton) drank or used drugs after he lost his son. Clapton said that he didn't. He believed that if he had gotten drunk or stoned, that act would have discredited his son's life. It would have also been a complete act of hypocrisy as he was the founder of a rehabilitation center for alcoholics and drug addicts.

I'll never forget that interview. From this tragedy came a beautiful song "Tears in Heaven".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g2IlaDLVLo

May I have the envelope . . . . . . . Please!!

I walked the walk today and it felt good!!!

Here is my latest trick! I recently found out that I could download movies onto my iPod Nano (way too cool). I downloaded one of my favorite movies "The Devil Wears Prada". I LOVE Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. What a great movie to work out to! The music is awesome and watching all of those "beautiful people" dressed in those fabulous clothes is just very inspiring. I also think that some of the best scenes and lines are in that movie. For example . .

Stanley Tucci: " . . you do know that cellulite is one of the main ingredients in corn chowder . ."

Anne Hathaway: "I'm a (size) 6"

Stanley Tucci: "which is the new 14"

Emily Blunt: (after Anne Hathaway tells her how thin she looks) "Well, I'm on this new diet, it's very effective. I don't eat anything and when I feel like I'm about to faint, I eat a cube of cheese . . . I'm just one stomach flu away from my goal weight."

I was on the elliptical for 35 minutes today and the only reason I got off was to go to my Yoga class. The time FLEW because I was enjoying the movie so much! I know that a lot of gyms (including mine) have TVs on the machines but honestly, there is nothing good to watch at 9am!

Yoga was awesome! I used to "practice" about twice a week. I haven't done any yoga for at least 4 months. It was amazing to me how much my body changed in that period of time. Not only had I lost a lot of flexibility but I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I really felt the extra weight I had gained. Of course, the yoga studio has mirrors everywhere so to add insult to injury, I had to watch myself struggle through those poses. It was a major reality check!

After yoga I did treat myself to the steam room (Yes! A NON FOOD REWARD). I showered, dressed and set out for Weight Watchers.

Since weighing in on September 8th, I have lost 5 pounds. Now remember, I have a lot of weight to lose so 5 pounds in 3 weeks is very reasonable. I haven't been exercising and I've been delving into a lot of "gray" areas where food is concerned. Honestly, I am very satisfied with my results. I will start to attend my regular Monday meetings and I will start going to the gym on a more regular basis.

Being back on track just felt way too good today! By the way - where can I get a pair of those Chanel Boots?

Time to Walk the Walk

One of my husband's favorite sayings is "You can talk the talk but can you walk the walk?" Tomorrow is October 1. I've been writing this blog for a month. I have "dabbled" in my weight loss efforts. I've been to Weight Watchers twice (should have been 4 times by now) and I have been to the gym once (should have been 20 times by now). Maybe I am being a little hard on myself but the bottom line is this - if I want results then I have to put in the time!

I was studying with my 8 year old this evening. We were reviewing vocabulary words for one of her tests tomorrow. One of the words was Consequence. She immediately defined it in negative terms. "If I misbehave, the consequence will be a punishment". Yes, that works, but I wanted her to understand that consequences also occur in a positive situation. "A consequence of studying for this test tonight is a good grade tomorrow." Of course, it got me thinking about what I have been doing or not doing. I have been watching my intake and I have been trying to "live" while managing my weight. However, if I really want to lose then I really must get serious. I haven't journaled in a couple of days. This doesn't mean I can't eat my chocolate - I just have to write it down (Bite it Write it). I need to be more accountable. I also need to get serious about my workouts. Taking walks with friends is wonderful. Playing doubles tennis a couple of times a week is also great. But if I really want to lose the fat and start toning up then I must get in some real cardio and strength training.

So I am going to literally start "walking the walk". Tomorrow if you want to find me, I will be at xSport at 9:30am 'walking the walk' on an elliptical (cardio), followed by a Yoga class at 10:30 in studio 3 (strength training). After that I will go to Weight Watchers for a weigh in to see where I am in terms of weight.

It is time to get down to business!

Birthday Thanks

Hi to all my readers! Thanks for all of the comments. I read them and read them and take everything in! I appreciate all of your tips and I certainly get a good belly laugh from some of them as well! I had a great Birthday thanks to many of you and especially to a wonderful husband and two beautiful children here at home.

I've wanted to share some recipes in this blog and I figured that this is as good of a time as any to start! Yesterday, I made a diet soda cake that is so delicious and very low in calories. It is one of my favorites (obviously since I made it for my own birthday). Eventually, I do want to design a webpage for this blog and I envision having a recipe section included. Here is my first. Believe me - try this - it is really delicious and of course, please comment!

Diet Soda Cake:

1 box of cake mix (any favorite flavor)

1 can of a complementary flavored diet soda

1 egg

Fresh strawberries or bananas (optional)

Fat free Cool Whip or Reddi Wip (optional)

Mix first three ingredients together (cake mix, soda and egg). Pour in a cake pan of your choice. Bake as directed on the box. Serve with fresh fruit on the side and fat free topping. Here are some good combinations: Vanilla cake mix and diet cream soda, chocolate cake mix and diet black cherry soda, vanilla cake mix and diet orange soda.

Perfection - It isn't always Black and White!

I know you have been down this road! I have touched upon it in some of my other blogs and I have had many conversations with foodies and thin people. I am by no means a perfectionist. But, for some STUPID reason, when it comes to dieting, if I am not totally "on program", I fall off the wagon BIG TIME. I always strive for the Perfect Day (in terms of dieting). Eating my allotted number of calories or points (in Weight Watcher speak), exercising at least an hour, and drinking 8 glasses of water. When I don't have the perfect day, maybe I didn't exercise or I ate too much, it throws me totally off.

I like the analogy of the cookie. I'll eat a cookie and then, because I "went off" my diet, I'll go home and stuff my face. Now some might say that I shouldn't have "bad" foods in the house. The truth is, I can overeat on anything. I'll use my favorite example. I usually have peanut butter in the house. It is one of my favorite breakfasts - a tablespoon on a high fiber english muffin and I am ready for any exercise class. The peanut butter is easily digestible, it gives me a lot of energy, it is quick to make and very transportable. But, when I am binging, suddenly that peanut butter becomes a demon.

Even if I don't have the food in the house and I am on a binge I have no problem driving to the local 7-eleven and buying some goodies. Really - what is the difference? It is sort of like the man who sneaks a cigarette while walking the dog.

So, I go out to dinner with my husband and a few other couples. I just started my diet and I really want to stay on track. The anxiety starts because I have to go to a restaurant where it may not be easy to make the right choice because I will be faced with a lot of temptation. What do I do? I don't want to inform everyone that I am on a diet. I asked a thin friend of mine this question once. I was really "in the zone" and I didn't want to blow my efforts. My friend just said "It is tough but just eat a little and make up for it tomorrow by exercising more or eating a little less." Humm . . . . Little . . . Sort of like that book "French Women Don't Get Fat".

I'm a "bulk" eater. When I am "in the zone" I eat a lot of salad because I can bulk up. My leader always says that she is a volume eater too. Maybe that is the mistake. I'm always looking for low calorie, low fat things to eat and recipes to make. There is nothing wrong with that, but why not just eat less of "regular" food. Why can't I have ONE slice of pizza and a side salad. Why do I have to eat THREE slices (and the side salad to make me feel like I am healthy?). Maybe high volume isn't always satisfying. Maybe I need to have a small portion of something really good and realize that I am satisfied, not stuffed, and that is just fine. Maybe I need to rethink the way I am approaching my weight loss efforts.

Maybe I need some gray - not only Black and White!

No California Dreaming for this Girl!!!!

"all the leaves are brown

and the sky is grey

I've been for a walk

on a winter's day"

Did you ever have one of those wonderful days? Maybe something special happened to you; a special look from your spouse, a kind remark from your child, even something a stranger said in the grocery store? Maybe nothing in particular happened . . . . you just went for a walk on a winter's day.

I am having one of those days! There is that saying "Life doesn't get any better than this" - and it does not! I didn't do anything extraordinary today. I did go for a walk, with some good friends, on one of the first days of Fall and I must admit that Autumn is my FAVORITE season (and it isn't because the kids are back in school)! I have always LOVED the Fall. I think it is because I love the clothes, warm sweaters, boots and blue jeans. Maybe it is the prelude to winter; skiing and cozy afternoons (and nights) by a blazing fire.

Maybe it is because my Birthday is coming up. I love my birthday! It is the one day of the year when everyone wishes you well and everyone MUST be nice to you (even your kids and husband). I really don't mind getting older and admitting my age! I am going to be 47 (wow, it is different looking at it than just saying it). With age comes wisdom and a knowledge of who you are, where you have been and where you want to go! You don't have that at 20 or 30!

It is a day like this one that we must treasure and REMEMBER for when we have the opposite kind of day. We have to remember how good it feels to go for that walk (don't eat the jar of peanut butter - walk around the block instead) or talk to a friend (skip the brownie - pick up the phone) or how those jeans fit - not the big size but the smaller size that you have been dieting to get into! And in some strange perverse sort of way, it is all of those lesser than wonderful days that make this one so special.

"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today

I want to be a part of it - new york, new york

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray

Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep

And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap"

Jujyfruit and Bagels!

I am an At-Home-Mom. I purposely capitalized my "title" because I truly view it as a job. It is a full-time job with no sick days or paid vacation. In fact, it isn't a paying job at all (although my husband might disagree). But let us not digress. I want to focus on the lack of sick days.


The lucky At-Home-Mom will telephone her Mother, Mother-In-Law or perhaps an Aunt or Uncle to rescue her when she is feeling ill. Then there is the woman who will have her husband stay home from work to take care of her, and the children, when she is sick. She will even call him in the middle of the day and have him rush home because she is feeling ill. I, unfortunately, don't fall into either of those categories. I am in the category of "suck it up and get through the day".


A couple of years ago, a stomach flu was going around town. You know the kind - we have all experienced it. The severity may be different but let's just say that when you get it, you are spending a lot of time sitting on or hovering above the toilet. Well, that year the stomach flu ran through my house. I spent a lot of time washing the sheets, cleaning the bathroom, and spraying Lysol. I managed to get through it myself without having to call in the National Guard - or my husband (I probably got it over the weekend - how convenient). I remember talking to a friend of mine about it and asking her if her family had the pleasure of this particular flu. She said that everyone got it and she thinks that she had it also but she wasn't sure. She just remembers that on a Tuesday, she felt really sick to her stomach. She spent the day without eating anything and just sipped ginger ale, all day, as she completed her motherly tasks of taxi-ing the kids around to their various activities. She couldn't wait to just get through the day and get into bed. Guess what! She did have it and like so many of us in category 3 - she sucked it up!


This past week I got a cold. Instead of calling in sick like most working class Americans, I "sucked it up" (remember I am in category 3). To make matters worse, I had an action packed weekend. You know how sometimes you have nothing to do and then one weekend, you have over committed yourself. Well, that was me. Instead of cancelling something, I forged ahead only to find myself every night collapsing into bed with a throat that was on fire (among other symptoms). Finally I raised the white flag on Monday. I dropped the kids off to school and immediately made an appointment with my physician. He didn't even bother looking at my throat because he already decided to put me on antibiotics after just looking in my ears and listening to my chest. It took me 5 days to take care of myself. That night, I got my kids, ordered in and was in bed asleep by 6pm.




As for my dietary endeavors, by Sunday afternoon I found that Jujyfruit candy and warm bagels with cream cheese really did make my sore throat feel better. It is just too bad that I didn't do for myself what I would have done for my children and husband - gotten to the Doctor by the third day, taken the antibiotics and gone to bed. If I had taken care of myself, I would not have gotten as sick as I was yesterday and I would not have eaten as much as I did over the weekend. I'm still learning that food isn't the answer.


As a very wise physician once told me "When you want to eat, just go to bed. You can not eat when you are sleeping."

How do you spell DISASTER??

So I have a confession to make. I suffer from eating out anxiety.

What the #($(*$( ????

When I am dieting (I'm getting better with using that word), and I am faced with having to eat outside of my home, I get a really anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. All of the choices listed on the menu and none of them with any nutritional information. It is like walking through a dietary land mine. I look for all of those buzz words like "crispy" (no good), "grilled" (good), "cream" (no good), to help me navigate. I even research the web for nutritional information before I go out to eat so that I can make good choices. Panera is great for that! But I have a problem when the outing is not planned and combined with feelings which strip me of my defenses. Like today . . . . .

Last Saturday, my son was taking a course in the morning. My daughter always sleeps late, by our family's standards. To get her going and get him to his class on time, my daughter and I skipped breakfast. We planned to go out for breakfast after we dropped my son off. I thought about this carefully. I chose a real breakfast place. The two of us sat at the counter. When the waitress came over to hand us the menu I told her "I just started back on Weight Watchers to take off some summer pounds. What do you suggest I get?" She lit up, complemented me on my determination and informed me that "you can have anything you want - they will fix it for you the way you want it." So I ordered a 3 egg white omelet dry (aka no oil), with salsa and a side of toasted wheat. Hey, I thought to myself, this isn't so bad!

When we picked up my son, my daughter quickly informed him that "Mommy took me out for breakfast". The poor kid . . . what could I do but take him out for lunch! Off to Panera because I know it is a safe place (but I didn't do my research - Ahh). We get to Panera and I quickly order the "you pick two" (soup and salad). I order the black bean soup, which I know is low in calories, but I was confused about the salads. So I did my little speech to the counter girl. "No problem! We have a book with all of the nutritional information right here". Wow . . . this really is easy!

Today is Wednesday. I spent the day at the Museum of Modern Art and met my "Sista" for lunch. I was already anxious about eating out because I knew we would eat at the Museum Cafe but I also felt I could manage the choice. I ordered a salad and then painstakingly wrote down exactly what I ate in my "little diet notebook". I got home and in-puted my food intake into WW's e-tools computer program. Not so bad - I don't have as many calories left as I would like for dinner but I can manage. Then I went to pick up the kids. We had to go to the mall to pick something up. And that is when it happened . . . . . . . my definition of disaster!

I'm hungry . . . . . . . I'm tired . . . . . . . . I'm not feeling well because I am getting a sore throat.

And there it is . . . I am at . . . .

THE FOOD COURT.

All I really wanted to do is get some really thick warm soup (about a gallon), buy one of those "snuggies" that they always advertise on TV (you know the one - " if you order now you will get two snuggies for $19.99") and crawl up on my sofa in front of the TV (maybe with a bag of chips to dip into that warm thick soup - YUM).

I tell myself I will resist . . . I have plenty of good healthy food at home . . . Oh but I am SOOOoooo hungry and my throat really hurts and I am so tired . . . . . .

I let the kids eat an early dinner. After all, they are hungry also and this will save me some clean-up time and allow them to get right to their homework. But what about me???? I look at my choices and I go for the soup! Not the seafood bisque, not the cream of broccoli, not the chili. I get vegetable soup (small please). It takes the edge off and gets me home so that I can eat the dinner I had planned for myself.

It is 7pm right now. I am tired. My throat hurts and I have eaten all of my points for the day (plus an additional 2). Unfortunately, I am still hungry, really hungry . . . . . I've brushed my teeth (sometimes a deterrent to eating). I am going to make myself a large cup of tea with some honey (1 tablespoon is only 1 point), take a couple of Tylenols and wrap myself in a blanket (damn I wish I had one of those snuggies).

Wish me luck! . . . . I hope I make it!

Just Do It!

We are bombarded every day with people trying to sell us stuff. Some of the more savy merchants hire great advertising firms who spend hours trying to find the right words, the right look, the right jingle, all designed to make us want to give them our money for their products. Some of these advertisements are so great that they are entertaining in and of themselves. I always watch the Superbowl not so much for the football, but to see the innovative ads.

One of my absolutely favorite ads is Nike's "Just Do It!". It is short, sweet and to the point. No excuses, no drama, no procrastination: Just Do It!

My husband is a Triathlete. That means he participates in races with three events back to back. First he swims. Then he gets on his bike and rides. And finally, he runs. These races are all different distances. This past summer he did a 70.2 mile Ironman in New Hampshire. He swam 1.2 miles, biked 56 miles and then ran 13.1 miles (that is a half marathon). He did this in about 6 hours. Unbelievable! Unbelievable that people do these races - unbelievable to watch people do these races - unbelievable how much they train and prepare for these races.

While we were at his race (it was an weekend event), I bought a T-shirt. The slogan on the T-shirt got pretty close to "Just Do It".

These athletes struggle everyday with their own goals. It could be
strength, speed, endurance and even weight. The difference is that they are out there and they are doing it! For so many of these incredible athletes, although the race is important, the journey they are on is just as important. They have the "end game" in mind - there is no doubt about that - but they enjoy the training, the challenge, and the camaraderie. It is all part of the experience, the journey. This is a special group of people. They are very supportive of each other and often train together even though it is an individual sport. At the end of the day they are competing against their own best time.

So today I went back to the gym, my gym. I mounted my bike and I began to spin. I took it easy because I am middle aged (which means that I will live to the ripe old age of 92) and overweight. It wasn't easy at first, but about 20 minutes into my spin I started to feel good. Maybe it was the sweat dripping off my brow. Maybe those endorphins started kicking in. Maybe it was the music. I think it was because I was there - where I needed to be and where I wanted to be. Maybe it was because I was just doing it. I was TRI-ing!

UnPlug

Yesterday, I read an article in Yoga Magazine.  It was about a woman who one day decided not to speak for 24 hours.  She found this period of quite and solitude so beneficial that she vowed, not to speak, for 24 hours, twice a month.  Funny how some literature really "hits the spot".

Now with the kids back in school, I have been feeling the overwhelming desire to unplug.  "Unplugging" means different things to different people.  For me it means taking some time for myself to do what I want or need to do.  That would include catching up on household chores, spending a day at the gym (including perhaps a sauna and massage), going to the beach by myself, going into NYC to meet friends or to just go to a museum.

This morning I went back to the gym for the first time in 2 months.  I went to one of my favorite classes (Spin) taught by one of my favorite instructors.  I was a little nervous because I put on some weight since June and I wasn't sure what my body could handle regarding exercise.  I was welcomed with open arms by my instructor and a fellow "gym rat" (of course now I am just a gym rat wannabe).  My gym friend looked at me and said "Wow you look great".  I looked at her, thinking that she must be blind.  I said "Are you kidding?  I put on so much weight".  She said "That doesn't matter.  Your eyes are full of life.  You are glowing.  The last time I saw you, you were so stressed out.  Just say 'Thank you' and accept my complement".

As I mounted my bike and began spinning, I started to think about the past year.  One year ago this week, Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy.  In retrospect, this event had a profound effect on me and really set the stage for my year.  Economically our country was in for a rough ride (and still is with unemployment at record highs).  Personally, I really struggled all year with my exercise goals and my weight management.  I fought a lot this past year, with myself and others.  I couldn't get to where I wanted to be and at times I didn't even know where that was.  I was searching for something - but what and where?  By the time the summer came along, I couldn't do it anymore and I just gave up . . . or did I?

I unplugged.  I walked away from my struggle.  I "surrendered" to my circumstances.  I accepted who I was and just relaxed.  If I was able to get to the gym, great.  If I didn't and all I could do was go for a bike ride, fine.  I took a deep breath and "let it be".  So much made sense in the light of what my gym friend said.  I was banging my head against a wall trying to do something that I just couldn't and expending a lot of energy getting no where.  Letting go allowed me the time to rethink my efforts and approach them with a different frame of mind.

Nothing really has changed - on the outside.  I have returned to my gym (the same one).  I have returned to Weight Watchers and my Leader.  I am home.  However, my outlook (actually it is my in-look) has changed.  I don't berate myself for my sabbatical - those two months of "carefree living".  I surrendered to it because it was necessary.  I needed to regroup and rethink where I was and where I wanted to be.  Now I have the ability to approach my goals and aspirations without fighting but with acceptance, strength and courage.

So, go ahead and unplug . . . you might find your own BFF . . . yourself!

Can I be on a diet and eat my chocolate too??

There are foods that I can not have within my reach.  Specifically I am talking about Yodels and Mallomars (there are probably a couple of others not mentioned).  If I have a box of either of these "foods" in my house, I will eat the entire box.  It may take me an hour, it may take me a couple of hours but if I have a box of Yodels in my house, that box will be empty within 24 hours.  I am not kidding.  These foods are called "Red Light Foods".  They are dangerous.  I know which ones they are for me and you know which ones they are for you.

Then there are the other foods, like my peanut butter and fluff (not together but separate).  I can either use peanut butter for a quick breakfast on a light english muffin (and I can Spin on that) or I can have a little fluff on a graham cracker as dessert (very satisfying - remember that word - Satisfying).  However, if the wind changes direction, then I am eating peanut butter and fluff sandwiches - not good.

When I was in Italy this summer, I discovered dark chocolate made with hot pepper or chilis (Perugina and Lindt both have a version).  You get the same taste that you would with any high quality dark chocolate but at the end there is a little heat.  I found the same product here in the States (by Lindt) and I have two bars in the freezer.  This is a big bar of chocolate.  It has 10 squares.  The entire bar is 500 calories, 30 grams of fat and 8 grams of fiber.  One square is 50 calories and it is packed with flavor!

Satisfying? . . . VERY.  This time, I am trying to eat until I am satisfied, not full and certainly not STUFFED.  But that is a quantity issue.  My Lindt chocolate is a Quality issue.  Many times I have wanted to eat something (keep it clean) . . . like an ice cream sundae.  But since I was "on program" I couldn't.  So instead of just eating the damn sundae (small one please), I would eat other stuff which technically was ok - like a Weight Watcher's 2 point bar, but I would eat the entire box of bars.  The bars were not a red light food.  I ate them because I wasn't satisfied.  My stomach was "satisfied" or full (those bars have a lot of fiber).  But my taste buds were not because I really wanted an ice cream sundae.  To add insult to injury - chances were that I ended up eating that ice cream sometime during the week anyway.  Like the Rolling Stones said . . . . . I can't get no Satisfaction . . .

This time I am going to implement the idea from French Women Don't Get Fat.  Eat everything, but make sure it is high quality and eat only a little so that you are satisfied.  I am going to eat that chocolate if I want it.  It is going to be a high quality delicious chocolate.  I am going to eat one square and I am going to sit down and savor every bit of it.  While doing all of this . . . I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT!

The proof will be in the scale . . .

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck . . . .

Then it is a DIET! 

According to Webster's Dictionary, diet is defined as: 1. to cause to take food, 2. to cause to eat and drink sparingly or according to prescribed rules.

I have pondered this for quite some time.  Many programs, particularly Weight Watchers, attempt to create an illusion that I am changing my eating habits towards healthier eating.  The journey that I have embarked upon is a life long promise to eat better, healthier foods and to exercise regularly.  If I do this, I will lose weight and keep it off "for ever".  A part of me has bought into this and believes it, completely.  Diet is a "bad" word.  Diet is a short term fix which when applied to obese people, like me, is merely a band aid being put on a wound which requires surgery (I like analogies).

The truth is, I have, for most of my life, eaten healthy.  My problem is the "sparingly" part.  When I have been successful on Weight Watchers, I diet.  I just don't truly admit to dieting to myself or others.  I use the words, "I am on program", as if that is my personal code.  Interestingly enough, when I am "on program" I use a lot of products designed to help people, like me, lose weight.  There are so many on the market such as 100 calorie packs of cookies, chips, or crackers.  Weight Watchers also has many products in the supermarkets and at their centers as well. 

It is different this time.  This time I am on a diet.  I am eating and drinking sparingly and according to prescribed rules.  I am not using "gimicks" like the 100 calorie packs (not that there is anything wrong with them).  If I am hungry and it is not time for a meal, then I eat a piece of fruit or some yogurt.  I eat when I am hungry, not because I have extra points or I exercised or I am tired or . . . . . . .

I am on a diet.  It is ok to feel hungry (a little).  It is ok to tell people that I am on a diet.  It is ok to diet!

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck . . . . it is a duck!

I am being TESTED!!!

Wow how time flies when you are BEING TESTED!!

I finally made it to Weight Watchers! I packed the kiddies off to school and away I went. It was nice going back; comfortable. I didn't see my regular leader but I did see the lovely woman who always weighed me in every week. I was so happy because I was finally taking control of my life.

I've been down this road before and I had an idea of what number was going to come up on that scale. I kept on telling myself that the number did not matter. I needed to focus on what I was going to do on a day to day basis. The number would follow.

Was it shocking? No. Have I seen that number before? Yes, a couple of times (which means it wasn't the highest). I didn't even look at it until I got home later in the afternoon.

OK - who am I kidding?? Of course the number matters!! We live our entire life "by numbers". Look at your annual visit to the doctor. The first thing she does is take your blood to test for all sorts of things and how does she measure those things?? NUMBERS!!! That is how we account for everything in life! HOWEVER!!! I know myself. If I focus on the number - on the "end game" - then I will not succeed. I play tennis. When I am playing my best tennis, I usually don't know what the score is (or at least I have to think about it). If I focus on the actual point (see the irony of my life - point in tennis - points in Weight Watchers) instead of the set or match, I play much better. That is because I am focusing on my footwork, the way I track the ball, the way I am hitting the ball - all the things that make a good shot and eventually result in winning the point. The same applies to "dieting" (I'll get back to the word). If I am vigilant about what I eat and I keep track of my consumption, the weight comes off! It is the planning and the good habits that will get me (have gotten me) to where I want to be.

PLANNING - very important! In preparation for my return to a "healthy lifestyle", I prepared some very delicious healthy foods to have on hand. Life does get hectic, especially the first week of school. I must be prepared. This means I must have healthy options available. Otherwise, if I am hungry and there is nothing to eat in the house - I will revert back to that peanut butter. So I planned and prepared and when I was hungry, I had good options to choose from.

So you might be thinking "why is the title of this blog 'I am being TESTED!!!'" Tuesday night my son was out with his uncle until late. They went to the US Open and didn't return until past midnight. I had to wait up for them. Instead of doing something like reading a book or magazine, surfing the web, or watching TV, guess what I did? I ate. I fell off the wagon. What I should have been doing was sleeping. I was tired and when I get tired my defenses drop. So I ate some cereal with milk, some of my favorite peanut butter on bread with fluff and a couple of handfuls of dry roasted peanuts.

The next morning I felt terrible. I kept telling myself "Life isn't perfect and these things happen. Just get right back on track." And I Did. I didn't eat very much the next day, probably because I was too full (and guilty) about the night before. Something clicked and I was back on track.

The next day my son got sick and stayed home. My computer started giving me some problems and then suddenly "crashed" (I'm writing this on my son's computer). I spent the day taking care of him and trying to get my own computer back up and running. Luckily, I had good choices on hand to eat from and I knew that going off track would do nothing for me, my son, or my computer. It would just add to my stress. I feel a little hungry and you know what?? That is ok because I am on a diet and I am trying to lose weight and eat healthy and it is all ok . . .

. . . . I think I passed . . . .

DAMN - Am I Being Tested?????

I've been blogging for about a week now. And finally I am ready to take the plunge and "get back on the wagon", "pay the piper", "get back on track", etc. I'm going to Weight Watchers and face the scale!!! Now, some of you know exactly what I am talking about. I've taken a little sabatical . . . ok, a BIG sabatical. But I have to get back on track and today (despite it being Monday) is the day.


I get into my car - actually I drive a Toyota 4Runner. I have my daughter with me and we are ready! I have my monthly pass and my old weight tracker. She has her Nintendo DS to keep her occupied during the meeting. I've bribed her (as has my husband) with a manicure and pedicure if she behaves and lets Mommy attend the meeting. My husband has told her to be good and make sure Mommy listens to everything the Leader has to say. We are off.


I notice that the gas tank isn't exactly full and since I have some extra time before my meeting begins, I decide to take a small detour to the local gas station to fill up. I'm very happy because I know how much better I will feel and eventually look as I begin my "diet". The attendant fills up the tank and hands me my receipt. I look down at the dashboard and turn the key . . . .


click click click click



What? What is going on?? Maybe I have the transmission in the wrong gear . . . No, I am in park . . . what is happening. I try again . . .



Click Click Click Click


Shit. I'm all psyched about going to this meeting. It is with my favorite Leader and I can't believe this is happening. I don't understand. I try again . . . .


CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK


The attendant pushes my truck out of the way of the gas pump, with the help of a very nice customer. Luckly, the gas station isn't far from my house so I collect my items, including my daughter, and start to head home, on foot, while calling my husband on his cell phone.


Now there is no way I am going to make this meeting. We pass by the local 7-eleven on the way home and my daughter wants a soda so we stop in. I'm thinking that it was silly to think about starting on a Monday anyway. How much this really stinks and how psyched I was to get back on track. Then I realize something and I tell myself


"This is life my dear. Sometimes things do not work out as we plan."


I get myself out of the 7-eleven ASAP - it is lunch time and I don't need any temptations. I started off the day awesome with a cup of yogurt, toast and jam. We will walk home and I will fix a healthy lunch.


It turns out the the car is just fine. My husband took a look at it and it started immediately. He did some "manly automobile stuff" to it and it was fine for the rest of the day. I really think that I was being tested. I was faced with two roads. Afterall, it was the first day and no one would know. I could have just continued my "summer ways" - but - I would know! And when was I supposed to start??? Now, is the answer. "My Leader always says - you are one meal away from getting back on track." I was already on track. So what, the car didn't work and I missed my meeting - I'll just go tomorrow but that doesn't mean that I can't start today.


My daughter and I had egg white omletts for lunch with low calorie english muffins. As a snack I had some Edamame (soy beans). And for dinner I had an awesome salad with grilled chicken. I even treated myself to a 1/2 and ounce of dark chocolate (it is very satisfying)! And the best part is that I feel very satisfied and happy that I didn't let some silly detour ruin my plans. We will go for that Mani/Pedi next weekend and by then I know I will be lighter and feeling so very fine!!! And so I will face the scale tomorrow! It is not going anywhere but I am!!

Sushi Buffet!

My husband says to me the other night "Hey, do you want to take the kids out for dinner tonight?". Well, I didn't really have anything special planned for dinner and I certainly enjoy going out myself so "Sure, where to?".



We really enjoy Japanese food. We have a couple of local places that we go to fairly often. One of them is call Minado and it is a Japanese Buffet. It is a chain so perhaps you have been to one. The food is very good. The sushi is fresh. The selection is enormous. Except for really exotic Japanese Food, they have almost everything. So we pack up the kids and off we go.


We all eat a decent amount, after all, it is a buffet! I eat until I am full. I should be eating until I am satisfied but I rush right by that and arrive at full. And I am proud that I didn't go further and end up at STUFFED!

We head on home and after about an hour my husband says to me "I noticed that you ate a lot tonight. Are you eating more so that you can blog about it?" Wow! That is very interesting and very insightful and I am not entirely sure that it isn't true. But what I think is happening is this.

I am - I must stop this insanity. I'm not going to "start" dieting until Tuesday (ok, probably Monday) and by the way - I hate using that word - diet - but that is another post. So there is this gap between deciding to diet and actually starting. During this "gap" I feel like I've got to "grab the gusto" and enjoy while I still can. Like I'm never going to eat again. Isn't that silly??

So it becomes a ridiculous situation. Instead of having to lose "just" XX pounds, during this period I put on another 5 or 10. What am I doing? It is this strange mentality that so many foodies face. Sort of like "Oh well, I ate a cookie and blew my diet today so I might as well go out and eat an entire apple pie (alla mode of course)."

Maybe it is a way of making myself so sick that starting a "diet" (oh, there is that word again) will be a welcome change. In fact, I am really looking forward to eating healthy and in NORMAL PORTIONS! It is definitely something to think about! It is important to figure these things out so that when I eat the cookie I accept it and NOT EAT THE PIE ALLA MODE!

The bottom line is this - it is Monday - Labor Day. Although I don't like starting anything on a Monday (yes - that too is another blog), it is time to pay the piper. Wish me luck and read on!

The proof is in the beach chair

Labor Day Weekend . . . Ahh, the end of summer. Some people absolutely LOVE the summer. Going to the beach; hanging out poolside; lazy days lounging in the sun; BBQs in the backyard; biking; hiking; tennis; all of those outdoor sports. I like the summer. It is nice not to have the pressure of fixing lunches, doing homework and driving the kids around to all of their activities. But summer, for me, usually means that I gain weight. Beginning in May, right around Memorial Day, I begin to experience some anxiety. This comes from knowing that some how, I will have to keep my children occupied while trying to maintain my own exercise and healthy eating habits.

Some of you are probably wondering "how did she gain so much weight". Well, the answer is and isn't easy. It doesn't happen all at once. It creeps on slowly. Most people have different ways of checking their "weight". I know of one woman who never weighs herself. She goes shopping. She doesn't go to buy things - she just tries them on. When she tries on her desired size and finds that the article of clothing is tight - she diets.

The next question is - when do you "put on the brakes"? Or as I like to say "when do the lights start flashing"?? Again, some people freak at gaining 5 pounds. We have all read those post holiday magazine articles "How to take off those 5 (or 10) holiday pounds". And that is exactly how it starts - the only difference is - I never took off the holiday pounds, or the summer pounds, or the "I had a bad weekend" pounds . . . Get it?

So I used to be a size 12 (I even fit into a couple of 10s at one point). Then my 12s got tight but I had a size 12 that still fit (it must have stretched). So I get on the wagon and try to loose the weight . . . but I don't. Now I am wearing stretchy pants because my clothes don't fit and of course I threw out all of my "fat clothes" because I was "never going to gain the weight back". Eventually I break down because I can't wear sweats all of the time (oh believe me, I have tried). I purchase some 14s. Now the pressure to lose the weight is off . . . until . . . shit, now the 14s are getting tight. I go out to purchase some more clothes and I find 14s that fit (they are what I like to call "big" 14s) and maybe I break down and pick up a 16 that I really like. OK - now that is enough - I mean 16 is the foray into Plus Size! After that you can't buy in mainstream stores!!! So now I struggle for a couple of years. I even did a triathlon one June in an effort to motivate myself into losing the weight (it worked - I looked great that June). But as the struggle wore on, the weight came back.

This summer I didn't even try. Maybe it was because I struggled all winter long and just didn't have the energy or "want power" as they say in my Weight Watchers class. I knew I was in trouble when I went out to buy some more new clothes. I didn't need new clothes, my closet is full! I needed bigger clothes, again, because I had a few social events coming up, including a summer trip to Italy and I didn't have anything to wear (except for those very worn stretchy pants). I bought size 18 and they were loose (and I was grateful). By the end of the summer, my 18s were not loose anymore and neither was my beach chair!


Is it Tuesday yet???

Less is More

The other day I went to the grocery store to pick up some items for the weekend. It was Labor Day weekend and I was taking the kiddies to the beach.


Usually, during the year I don't buy a lot of soda, It is reserved for holidays or guests. But today, I really wanted some soda, So off I go to the local Waldbaums. Much to my delight the brand of soda I usually buy is on sale; 5 cases for something. But you see, I really don't want 5 cases, I only want 3 cases - my three favorite flavors. The problem is this; when I have soda in the house, my kids only drink soda. I have read and heard so many bad things about soda - it robs your bones of calcium, it can actually make you fat (diet soda) because of the way the body metabolizes it, it is used in nursing homes as a laxative (yes - that was a strange one) and very simply, when I am drinking soda, I am not drinking water and it doesn't take a PhD to know that water is better for you than soda.


So I take my 3 cases to the check out counter and of course the person at the register (no, Waldbaums doesn't have automated check out counters yet) asks me if I want to go back to get two cases because the soda is on sale. My response is a polite "No thank you, I only want 3 cases" and then it hits me . . . Less is more!


A couple of years ago I read an awesome book called "French Women Don't get Fat" by Mireille Guiliano. My "Sista" recommended it to me and you should read it! The premise is that you should eat everything - even chocolate - but only a little of it. This way, your craving is satisfied but you don't get fat. I don't mean to minimize the book and I apologize to Ms. Guiliano because there is a lot more to it than just that - so, read the book.


Why do we always want more??? I think it is embedded in our culture. After all, our ancestors came here, to the US, for one purpose - to get more - more space, more freedom, more education, more money. Think about your own ancestors - I bet they wanted more of something. Now think about our society. Everything is "super"; Super Size, Super Stores, Over Sized Cars to carry our "Plus" Size bodies.


One of my favorite lyrics comes from a Sheryl Crow song Soak up the Sun: "It's not having what you want It's wanting what you've got"


. . . Less is more.

US Open in NYC 2009

Yesterday I went to the US Open (Tennis) with my 2 children and one of their friends. The US Open is a big NYC event! It is held in Flushing Meadow Park at the Billie Jean King Tennis Center in Queens. For so many, going to "The Open" (as it is commonly referred to in "in" company) is not about tennis, it is more about being there, being seen, telling everyone that you were there and of course, buying a t-shirt to prove to everyone that you were there. One thing that struck me, so many years ago, the first time that I went to "The Open" is the consumption. Open goers consume and consume and consume. I'm not even talking about the high end restaurants, some of which are reserved only for those holding "high end" tickets. I am talking about the food village and various kiosks all over the grounds. And then there are the Grey Goose and Heineken bars. One table of "tennis fans" who were getting very loud and rowdy were actually stacking their empty martini glasses into a pyramid.

So let me back up for those of you who have not experienced this NYC scene. The food court has every type of food imaginable; Carnegie Deli, Classic Burger, Crepes Express, Cuppa Spotta (coffee bar), Deli and Salad Express, Franks and Fries, Fresca Mexicana, Fulton Seafood, Glatt Kosher Cart, Grey Goose Bar, New Delhi Spice, Pasta & Pizza, Philly Cheese Steak & Tenders, and Sushi.

When we went to the food village for lunch, it was packed. We waited in line for 30 minutes to order our food (we ended up at the Philly Cheese Steak and Tenders booth). This was at about 1:30-2:00 in the afternoon. It was a sea full of "tennis fans". Lunch, which consisted of 2 Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, three orders of fries and one order of chicken tenders and 4 waters set me back about $62. That didn't include the Ben and Jerry ice cream at $5 each and the extra water and Gatorade we drank during the day!

There were some "real" fans who brought lunch with them and ate in the stands. We had seats in Louis Armstrong Stadium. We sat in front of a group of elderly gentlemen. Clearly from their conversation I could tell that they had been at The Open many many times. I believe that they only left their seats for a stretch or bathroom break as they "brown bagged" their lunch. Not a bad idea!

So what did I do? I consumed! I ate my Philly Cheese Steak, Fries and Ben and Jerry ice cream. I didn't drink any beer or martinis as I was driving home and had in my care three minors. I bought my t-shirt and although this is by far my favorite NYC event of the year, I yearned for the Tuesday after Labor Day when I would happily march into my old Weight Watchers meeting and finally face the scale (aka pay the piper)!

I am brain dead . . . Is the summer over yet???

I like the summer but too much of a good thing is never good.


I am an "at home mom", so my year tracks the school year. When my kids are home I lose a lot of the structure that I try so hard to implement during the school year. I like structure. I like having a schedule. Sure, I enjoy those lazy days of summer, lounging around poolside or on the shore. I like a cold beer or Mike's Hard Lemonade and a juicy burger off the grill. But eventually all of those indulgences results in the state that I am in now - I am brain dead.

Let me explain. I struggle with my weight. I do very well during the school year because I am busy . . . busy running a household, busy volunteering for various organizations, busy going to the gym and Weight Watchers, busy playing tennis, busy taking care of my husband and 2 children. When I am not "busy" and I am just "hanging out" I am usually eating. That is what I do when I am bored. I cook (for example I'll make Pasta Carbonara for lunch) and I eat what I cook (by the way - I am a good cook).


This summer I spent 3 weeks in Italy. I have a lot of family there and I decided to take my kids to meet my relatives (Aunts, Uncles and cousins). My Uncle asked me "why do you Americans have an obesity problem in the USA?". Good question. The easy answer is "we eat too much". Now let me tell you, Italians can eat and they eat very Very VERY well! But . . . they really don't eat that much. And . . . (listen carefully) . . . they DON'T SNACK!!! They also don't eat junk. They eat food that is in season which also means fresh which also means unprocessed! My husband always says that our processed foods contains a lot of high fructose corn syrup which is what is making our people so fat. Stop and read the labels.


OK - so what has this to do with me being brain dead? Weight is the root of all evil. Start paying attention. Obesity has been linked to cancer, heart disease, diabetes, just to name a few. The bottom line for me is this - when I eat what I call "whole foods" - things that are natural and not processed and when I exercise, I feel better, I sleep better, I am in a better mood. When I eat "crap" - processed foods - and I don't exercise, I don't feel well, I become lethargic, nasty, tired, bloated. I don't look good. My skin gets blotchy at best and of course I break out at worst (yes, even at 46 I still get pimples). When I don't eat well and I don't exercise for a long period of time - I become brain dead.